B.O.R.I.S. The Crusher

I approve of this label. The flavour, not so much.

This is seriously dark beer. It could well be the primordial stout, the stout all other stouts spring from. And for some reason, it’s really creamy. Are stouts supposed to be creamy? I’m confused.

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Bommen & Granaten

AUGH

AUGH

Oh god. Is it beer-flavoured vinegar or vinegar-flavoured beer? Why would anyone ever drink either? Who even comes up with shit? I’m trying to rinse the taste out of my mouth, and it’s not working.

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Absolut Raspberry & 7up

Absolut Raspberry with 7up

This is a really sneaky drink. The sweetness of the 7up combines really well with the raspberry flavour, and together they make a decent camouflage for alcohol — at least for a sip or two. Remember: There is no such thing as “you can’t taste the alcohol in this at all!”

Overall very impressive, as straight vodka tastes like liquified dentist (office included).

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Note to self: I should petition PepsiCo to make a raspberry flavoured 7up.

Jägermeister & Battery

Jägermeister & Battery

I asked for something “funny” and oh my that is exactly what I got. This is hilariously awful. It’s like drinking cough syrup, except it burns and is horrifically sweet. It’s really quite fascinating, I kept having one more sip because my brain simply refused to believe what my taste buds were telling it. I may have put away an entire mouthful over the course of the evening!

The oddness of this pulls it up one level from averagely bad.

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Mikkeller 黑 / Black

Oh dear god. This is 16%, sweet, coffee-flavoured, chocolaty, dark, strong, and an entirely unprecedented level of foul. Pass the water and a bucket.

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Tokaji Aszu

Tokaji Aszu

I got this sweet dessert wine as a free sample at Trófea Grill Étterem in Budapest. Strangely enough, the smell did not make me feel sick. Even stranger, it only tasted a little rotten. The sweetness nearly covered up all the horrors your average wine is composed of.

If all wines tasted like this, I could at least understand why some people would drink it.

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Rune Kristian’s home-made blueberry wine

Rune Kristian's blueberry wine

The HORROR

People who claim to know about these things insist my friend Rune Kristian makes good wine. I call bullshit. Lies, statistics, and bullshit.

My reaction to this wine goes approximately as follows:

Oh dear god I have accidentally ingested something that’s gone horribly bad and I need to get it outside of me this very instant or it will make me incredibly sick and I will probably die

… at which point I spit the mouthful of the foul stuff into the sink as this was the only way to stop me from vomiting there and then.

This sets the benchmark of utter horrificness for future drink tasting.

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